I had every intention of posting more than every few months, but once again we are in a battle. This battle is not about adoption, or our children. The end of July I went in for a routine mammogram. It was a beautiful day and I remember thinking as I was driving to my appointment, ahhhh life is finally settled and calm. Little did I know that my life was about to turn up-side down.
One hour later I was calling Mark to tell him they had found a "spot" and I needed to have it looked it at. I already knew the answer the radiologist had all but confirmed it. I don't even remember the drive home.
This was a Friday and I couldn't find out anything definite until the next week. Breast cancer! I couldn't even bear to look at my family without crying. I kept thinking I can't cry, I didn't want them to know until I was sure. They were all in our room wrestling and teasing each other and Julia starts telling us a sad story about a boy in school whose mother had just died. I started crying and from my reaction she looked at me, like did you know her? I thought, I might be her, and what are my precious husband and children going to do. I prayed a lot that weekend. I have never asked God why me? I know that cancer isn't caused by anything other than we live in a fallen world. I was sad, but not scared, by the end of the weekend God gave me a peace about it, and I knew with him that I would face whatever was in store. I wasn't going to let it take my faith, my love, or my humor.
There is a lot that has happened between that day and this one. I wanted to write about it, and I couldn't. I wish I could have captured that part of this journey, but honestly my head was in a fog and I was in a daze. I found out that yes I have breast cancer. Good news- it was caught early and wasn't in my lymph nodes. Bad news- it is an aggressive cancer and has a higher rate of re-occurance. My prognosis at this point looks good. I have to have chemo and a wonder drug called Herceptin this drug has its own story and I will share that later. I will have 6 months of big chemo drugs and then a year of Herceptin. Most importantly I will have God and that dear friends no matter what the outcome, is my greatest protection.
Now you know our awesome God is always fair and just and I just have to tell you this part because he is so good. I always get routine mammograms every summer during school breaks. The summer before this last one when Kasey was visiting, for the first time I did not get my routine mammogram done, I skipped it. Last Fall we were trying to get over to adopt her and you know the horrible ordeal that turned into. Here is the part that gives me goose bumps. Had I gone in for that mammogram that summer they would have found the spot and because it is an aggressive cancer I would have had to go into treatment for a year as I am doing now. I wouldn't have been able to pass my physical to go. We would never have been able to adopt Kasey as she would have aged out and we would have lost her by the time I was through with chemo. Unusual for me but now we know the reason I skipped a mammogram. God kept me protected through that time period even though the tumor was most likely growing he never let it reach my lymph nodes! Was there ever any doubt Kasey was meant to be ours.
I am now doing chemo and am on temporary leave from my job. I have had a lumpectomy but since it is an aggressive cancer have decided at the end of chemo to have a double mastectomy. I have lost all my hair. Now folks not in all my years have I ever been referred to as beautiful. My name and that word have never been associated until now. "Rhonda you are beautiful" or "oh my you have a beautiful head" Well, God does have a sense of humor who knew my best feature was hidden under a head of hair this whole time.
How is my family doing? Everyone handles things differently some want to know all and others want to pretend like life as usual. Mark and the 3 girls are here so they are in the thick of it. Mark is my heart and you can only imagine what this is doing to him. He holds me as I am sick from the chemo. Fortunately, we have managed to shield the kids from this part. As I blog I will of course be talking more about Mark and the girls as they are the ones home at this point, but our other kids are no less involved they just aren't here on a daily basis. Brett and Kyle are close by and visit often. Kenna, Ryan and Zhenya are all away right now at school and jobs. Alesa, Julia and Kasey are with me every day and they are all angels in their own ways. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible because they have lost one mom and we don't want them to stress about this. They pray the most precious prayers over me. "Dear God please don't take our mom we love her so much" " She came to get us please don't take her from us" We really need our mom God" These are such sweet prayers and I thank God for the blessing of these girls in this time.
Now an up-date on Kasey Grace. She is just an amazing girl and has had the easiest transition in of all the kids. She is joyous, happy, and always has a smile on her face. She is loving, affectionate and sweet. I told you she made color guard and because she is so athletic she is already on the first line. Kasey makes friends easily and loves life. The three girls get along and all three are very different. It is truly a blessing to be their mom. Alesa is on the swim team and Julia is in cheerleading again this year. They are teens and we still do a lot of teaching and re-teaching, but they love us and really want to please. I have no doubt they will all grow into wonderful women.
I am trying to decide since this blog is really not about adoption now, although we still advocate for adoption, it will be more of a family chronicle and my cancer journey I may make a new blog and just put a link on here for awhile. That takes some thought and since my brain is slow processing these days it may take awhile :)
We never know what we will encounter on this journey, but what thing that is always constant is God. He knew from the beginning what would happen and he knows the end, and in this alone lies my comfort. I can not imagine doing this without him. Praising God for his everlasting love!
Kasey Grace in ColorGuard
Kasey Grace in Colorguard
Dinner with half the kids
Brett, Dad, Kyle and Ryan
Dad, Kyle and Neiko
Kasey
Kasey loves to mismatch her socks
practicing in the yard
More practice in 110 degree heat this summer
sisters
Alesa on a mission trip
Daddy's girl
Julia our girlie girl
Julia
Zhenya doing what he does best-EATING!
Dad and Alesa, Julia, Kasey and Zhenya at the lake
Mom and Julia
Mom and Alesa
Alesa
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Kasey Grace
I look at these pictures and I realize how fine the line was between the girl you see in these pictures and the girl I took from the orphanage not so long ago. I will post pictures later of her when I saw her again for the first time at the orphanage after being separated from her for 8 months. It is unreal how much they change in a short period of time. This is why it is so important to get them out of there as quickly as possible. As they get older they start to develop the hard orphanage edge. Kasey is very sweet, but she wasn't immune to the influences of peers and life in the orphanage. We came so close to losing her in so many ways. A couple of letters almost ruined her life and her future, and it still gives us nightmares.
As you can see she is blooming and so happy! I can't say enough wonderful things about this girl. She is always happy, always smiling and just a joy to be around. She is the most affectionate child I have ever known. She calls Mark and I mommy and daddy, none of the other kids call us this they say mom and dad, she started using this on her own and it is quite endearing. She is always hugging one or the other of us. She wants to please and is a very hard worker. All three of the girls get along and it just makes my heart so thrilled to see them sharing clothes, stories and laughs.
The flowers at our house are once again in full bloom and it is a beautiful sight to see. Thank you God for the flowers you have placed in our home. They are growing in you Lord and it is our prayer that Kasey will come to know that you are the master gardener, the designer of all that is lovely.
As you can see she is blooming and so happy! I can't say enough wonderful things about this girl. She is always happy, always smiling and just a joy to be around. She is the most affectionate child I have ever known. She calls Mark and I mommy and daddy, none of the other kids call us this they say mom and dad, she started using this on her own and it is quite endearing. She is always hugging one or the other of us. She wants to please and is a very hard worker. All three of the girls get along and it just makes my heart so thrilled to see them sharing clothes, stories and laughs.
The flowers at our house are once again in full bloom and it is a beautiful sight to see. Thank you God for the flowers you have placed in our home. They are growing in you Lord and it is our prayer that Kasey will come to know that you are the master gardener, the designer of all that is lovely.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The final outcome
I left off in the middle of my story on the last post. I wanted to tell it in parts because there was so much to put down and I had to recapture all the memories. I needed to re-walk the steps of this whole incredible journey.
For those of you who have adopted you know the anxiety of waiting. You wait to get your paperwork, you wait to get the approval, you wait to get submitted, you wait to get your travel date, and you wait to get the call or the e-mail that you finally have been invited to come. Our wait was magnified because we had to redo a lot of our paperwork that was expiring, and then wait until February to find out if the SDA would ever even accept our dossier. I can't begin to tell you how excruciating that time period was for us. We also applied for me to travel as a single married since we didn't know for sure when we would go. This adoption would be our 5th time out of the country and Mark was needed at work.
We knew it was a long shot to be able to bring Karina home, after all how did it look to them, we had disrupted and we were wanting to adopt again. We knew the how and why, but would they understand it? Karina coming back into our lives at one of the worst possible times for us to even consider adopting again. We never had a problem with anyone questioning our motives we understood that, we knew what it looked like to the uninformed, but we did not understand someone such as Ms Jackson who did not even have all the facts straight trying to take away a future for Karina essentially assigning her a bleak life and most likely an early death warrant. Life doesn't always go as we mapped it out does it we didn't plan for it but we found ourselves in an unusual situation? If it always goes smoothly then we don't appreciate or see the work God can do in our lives. He uses the circumstances of our situations to show his divine glory and faithfulness to all involved.
Did I ever tell you we have the most fabulous facilitator in the world and that she is a miracle worker!! She and God got our dossier accepted in February! We now had less than a month to get the invite to travel as Karina turned 16 in March. Once again we were a case of nerves to get this far now we just had to have that appointment before March 14th when she would age out and not be allowed to come to the United States.
Karina by this point was calling Sveta everyday asking if her adoption would happen. We finally got our invitation and our embassy appointment on March 14th which was Karina's 16th birthday, and the very last day we could file for her. Is God good or what! The SDA appointment was two days later and I received her file.
When we arrived at Karina's orphanage I heard this scream and saw Karina running towards me I started running just as hard in her direction and we flew into each others arms with both of us crying. We held on so tight because we both knew how close we had come to never seeing each other again. Karina had been kept apprised of the whole situation by this time and knew how precarious this adoption was going to be.
Unfortunately, we were not out of the woods yet. Even though I had quit writing on my blog and had shut down my Facebook somehow CJ found out we had made it to Ukraine and actually called the SDA while we were there wanting to know if we were there adopting. I truly felt like I was in some kind of international spy novel and was being stalked. We thought will this never end so we can breathe freely again. They told her they couldn't give her any information about the families in process.
However, the SDA then got a case of the jitters and no one wanted to be the person who would give the release of our paperwork for court. As one of my sweet blogging friends mentioned in the comments, after all the negative publicity on adoptions gone awry no one wanted to take responsibility to give the release. Sveta went and begged but to no avail and it was looking grim, like I was going to have to go home without Karina. Our only hope was the judge, and at first she seemed reluctant we had to wait 24 hours for her decision as to whether she would proceed.
Karina was calling wanting to see me, but I couldn't even bear to face her, what if we lost, what if I had to say goodbye? What if I had to return home without her? I couldn't stop crying and I didn't want her to see me that way. This was the most unbearable two days of my life.
She went out to speak with the judge and I went in to get ready for the court that against all odds God had promised me would happen that very day.
I don't know Ms Jackson but I wanted her to know when God wants something to happen nothing will stand in the way!
Karina became our daughter 3 years and 6 months after God laid her on our hearts.
She wanted a new name and she chose Kasey Grace and she has been home with us for 3 months. She is absolutely precious in every way, but I shall save that story and her pictures for my next post.
Praise God from whom all blessings fall!
For those of you who have adopted you know the anxiety of waiting. You wait to get your paperwork, you wait to get the approval, you wait to get submitted, you wait to get your travel date, and you wait to get the call or the e-mail that you finally have been invited to come. Our wait was magnified because we had to redo a lot of our paperwork that was expiring, and then wait until February to find out if the SDA would ever even accept our dossier. I can't begin to tell you how excruciating that time period was for us. We also applied for me to travel as a single married since we didn't know for sure when we would go. This adoption would be our 5th time out of the country and Mark was needed at work.
We knew it was a long shot to be able to bring Karina home, after all how did it look to them, we had disrupted and we were wanting to adopt again. We knew the how and why, but would they understand it? Karina coming back into our lives at one of the worst possible times for us to even consider adopting again. We never had a problem with anyone questioning our motives we understood that, we knew what it looked like to the uninformed, but we did not understand someone such as Ms Jackson who did not even have all the facts straight trying to take away a future for Karina essentially assigning her a bleak life and most likely an early death warrant. Life doesn't always go as we mapped it out does it we didn't plan for it but we found ourselves in an unusual situation? If it always goes smoothly then we don't appreciate or see the work God can do in our lives. He uses the circumstances of our situations to show his divine glory and faithfulness to all involved.
Did I ever tell you we have the most fabulous facilitator in the world and that she is a miracle worker!! She and God got our dossier accepted in February! We now had less than a month to get the invite to travel as Karina turned 16 in March. Once again we were a case of nerves to get this far now we just had to have that appointment before March 14th when she would age out and not be allowed to come to the United States.
Karina by this point was calling Sveta everyday asking if her adoption would happen. We finally got our invitation and our embassy appointment on March 14th which was Karina's 16th birthday, and the very last day we could file for her. Is God good or what! The SDA appointment was two days later and I received her file.
When we arrived at Karina's orphanage I heard this scream and saw Karina running towards me I started running just as hard in her direction and we flew into each others arms with both of us crying. We held on so tight because we both knew how close we had come to never seeing each other again. Karina had been kept apprised of the whole situation by this time and knew how precarious this adoption was going to be.
Unfortunately, we were not out of the woods yet. Even though I had quit writing on my blog and had shut down my Facebook somehow CJ found out we had made it to Ukraine and actually called the SDA while we were there wanting to know if we were there adopting. I truly felt like I was in some kind of international spy novel and was being stalked. We thought will this never end so we can breathe freely again. They told her they couldn't give her any information about the families in process.
However, the SDA then got a case of the jitters and no one wanted to be the person who would give the release of our paperwork for court. As one of my sweet blogging friends mentioned in the comments, after all the negative publicity on adoptions gone awry no one wanted to take responsibility to give the release. Sveta went and begged but to no avail and it was looking grim, like I was going to have to go home without Karina. Our only hope was the judge, and at first she seemed reluctant we had to wait 24 hours for her decision as to whether she would proceed.
Karina was calling wanting to see me, but I couldn't even bear to face her, what if we lost, what if I had to say goodbye? What if I had to return home without her? I couldn't stop crying and I didn't want her to see me that way. This was the most unbearable two days of my life.
Karina had already made the two hour bus trip to say goodbye to her grandmother. I can't even imagine what that was like I saw the pictures and they ripped my heart out. Her 86 year old grandmother crying and each picture she seemed even smaller and more vulnerable than the one before. She would call Karina and beg her not to leave Ukraine. I think I aged 10 years during that time. Everywhere I turned there was so much sadness, but my own seemed to be drowning out all else.
I cried out on my face before God. Please help us you called us here. I lost faith one night, are you there God? Did you even want us here? Why did you allow it to get this far? We aren't bad people our hearts have always been in the right place why all the problems? I even started questioning the whole adoption calling I felt so unworthy and battle worn. I felt like a terrible person and a worse parent. Why did you choose us why? You can not imagine the pit of my despair. I wrestled with it all night and finally I turned it over to God and said your will be done we have no control over this, and by morning light my God answered all my questions. I could feel his presence as if he were holding me in his arms. He assured me, do not worry you will have your court today, and I thought but Lord Sveta said it would be days out, even if we can get one at all. Then the peace which transcends all understanding came over me. I walked out and said to Sveta, God told me the judge will give us a positive answer and court will be today. She looked at me a little incredulously and said, let's pray it does happen. I said, don't worry Sveta it will happen today and I am sorry I lost my faith for a day or so that was wrong never ever doubt God.
I cried out on my face before God. Please help us you called us here. I lost faith one night, are you there God? Did you even want us here? Why did you allow it to get this far? We aren't bad people our hearts have always been in the right place why all the problems? I even started questioning the whole adoption calling I felt so unworthy and battle worn. I felt like a terrible person and a worse parent. Why did you choose us why? You can not imagine the pit of my despair. I wrestled with it all night and finally I turned it over to God and said your will be done we have no control over this, and by morning light my God answered all my questions. I could feel his presence as if he were holding me in his arms. He assured me, do not worry you will have your court today, and I thought but Lord Sveta said it would be days out, even if we can get one at all. Then the peace which transcends all understanding came over me. I walked out and said to Sveta, God told me the judge will give us a positive answer and court will be today. She looked at me a little incredulously and said, let's pray it does happen. I said, don't worry Sveta it will happen today and I am sorry I lost my faith for a day or so that was wrong never ever doubt God.
She went out to speak with the judge and I went in to get ready for the court that against all odds God had promised me would happen that very day.
Sveta returned two hours later where I was ready and waiting, and said you must hurry the judge approved the petition and we have court in 2 hours. I was ready because God had assured me this was the day the Lord had made for Karina to become ours.
I don't know Ms Jackson but I wanted her to know when God wants something to happen nothing will stand in the way!
Karina became our daughter 3 years and 6 months after God laid her on our hearts.
She wanted a new name and she chose Kasey Grace and she has been home with us for 3 months. She is absolutely precious in every way, but I shall save that story and her pictures for my next post.
Praise God from whom all blessings fall!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What about Karina?
We hosted her when she was 12, this was after we met her when we went to adopt Alesa and Julia. She came to visit us summers and Christmases. We always told her when she was ready we would come for her. She couldn't bear to leave her grandmother so she would always tell us, "maybe next year" Then we got a letter that said, "I am thinking about the family and missing you and wish I could see you." A friend went to her orphanage to adopt and came home and said, Karina has decided she finally wanted us to adopt her. Our friend said, she is such a beautiful and sweet girl and she emphatically states it has to be only your family she will go with.
We had adopted Lena the year before, and we were in the middle of working through a lot of emotional turmoil, we asked ourselves, can we bring Karina here now during this time? We prayed about it and felt strongly that God was guiding us to bring her even in the midst of it. We were never worried about how many children, after all we had as many as 8 home at once and it was a mix of fun and chaos that comes with a big family. We had an extra bedroom for Karina and we thought having 4 girls would be wonderful. Mark and I were very optimistic that we could reach Lena eventually. At this point we weren't even for sure Karina would not change her mind again about being adopted; we had to see and talk to her first. We decided we should have her come because this was her last chance as soon she would turn 16.
When we told Karina she could come visit we were very hopeful with Lena, but she continued over the months of waiting for Karina's visit, to escalate. In answer to the question did Lena escalate because she knew Karina was coming? No, she was actually excited about having another teen girl here especially someone whom she considered not part of the sibling group. Lena was very much into isolating out groups within the family and creating division, sadly she looked to Karina to be a possible ally. There were the usual daily missles, meltdowns and silent rejection, and a few weeks before Karina's visit the situation had gotten to a breaking point. Even something as simple as a trip to the store would frequently turn into a war. My usually calm nerves were frayed to the edges, and the older kids were worried about my well being. Julia was refusing to come out of her room at different points.
We started praying about two things. Should we still bring Karina with this going on, and should we seriously consider the possibility of trying to find some relief by getting a family for Lena that would give everyone, but especially her, some peace. She needed a place where she could grow and mature and this was definitely not happening at our home. We decided we needed to deal with each girl separately, Karina should not be left at the orphanage if she wanted a family and we had already promised her this visit. She had so many disappointments in her life we couldn't give her another one.
We were hopeful that the dynamics might change to the better with Karina's arrival. As I said we are optimists. I can't state strongly enough that Karina had nothing to do with our decisions on Lena. Our home and hearts were always big enough for a multitude of children. If they tried to destroy themselves we would stand by them, whatever they threw at us we could handle it, but the destruction of each other and the resulting emotional mess to the family was another matter.
Karina came for the summer and we knew she was ours. I would like to tell you while Karina was here things improved with Lena, but that wasn't the case. Karina stayed neutral from the continued turmoil, but she did not care for how Lena treated others. However, she was still torn trying to decide if she wanted to leave her grandmother.
We had put out a distress signal to friends about seeking a different situation for Lena. A family came forward to help and she was more than happy to make the change. In fact when we took her there she happily waved us away and bounced off to a waiting peer group without a backwards glance at me. I was heartbroken, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was the right thing for everyone. In retrospect that was the hardest time period in our entire marriage. I just thought it was forever, and now I realize that when you bring an almost grown child into your home there are so many variables.
People have asked us, if she were your biological child would you do the same? We answered, if our biological child were doing this at almost 17 and we saw no remorse and no willingness to change, then yes, we would do all we could, and if it continued they would be asked to find other accommodations until they figured it out. Call it tough love or whatever you will, but the other kids deserve the kind of peaceful and harmonious childhood we have offered all of them and that they have all grown up in. Don't get me wrong they have dealt with adversity in the family and with each other and they know what it means to help hurting children and to stand by them. They know what it means to forgive and work through issues, but at some point you have to know when it's time to draw a line.
We ended the summer in tranquility and Karina returned to Ukraine. We called her and she decided that, yes, definitely she wanted us to come for her. Our dossier was in process. We were concerned about having Lena in respite at this time and trying to adopt Karina, but several people assured us they didn't think that would be a problem. Our home study had been done back in late Spring and was still good so we just let it stand since at this point nothing permanent had yet taken place for Lena.
All our paperwork was submitted and in place and we were waiting for a submitting date which we prayed would be sometime in October as the SDA was not giving any more appointments after December and wouldn't open back up until February to accept dossiers and Karina was turning 16 on March 14th. We were essentially in a race against time.
I came home from work and my husband was white as a sheet he said, I just got off the phone with Sveta and she said someone named Carolyn Jackson claiming she was from a special needs group has written her, the SDA, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the prosecutor and several other offices and said we were trying to adopt another child and we had gotten rid of Lena because she was a special needs child and we wanted only perfect children and we were not stable enough to adopt another child. She stated that she cares about special needs children and that is why she was writing the letter. We were shocked and devastated and we thought who and why would someone do this? First off I am a special education teacher and I worked with children with Downs and adore them, and later with children with emotional handicaps. The reason I became a special education teacher was because I had a special needs brother. Two of our sons have dyslexia and Zhenya had serious emotional problems that Mark and I have worked through with him. This was just a mean slanderous lie and obviously came from someone who did not know us very well, if at all.
These letters and this lie halted our adoption. We wrote letters, we had our social worker review our case and he spoke extensively with family, friends, and Lena herself stating that all was well and everyone was happy with the change and that we were indeed a very stable family. Our adopted kids wrote letters that would slay your hearts telling the SDA that we were wonderful parents and that they needed to allow us to adopt Karina. Alesa wrote this to the SDA, "None of you know what it is like to be an orphan alone and without a family or a future. Our parents have given us so much please do not deny this for Karina." Letters from all of us and Lena were sent to Carolyn Jackson begging her to retract her statements to Ukraine. Lena was incensed that someone said she was "special needs". She wrote quite a strong letter to Ms. Jackson. Lena also stated that we should be allowed to adopt that we were a good family just not what she needed. We told her we had hosted children in our home and found many families for them. We had our town and church writing articles about orphans and had found families for them. We came back from our adoptions and found families for kids left behind. We explained this wasn't just affecting Karina, that we would not be allowed to do any of this anymore. She remained anonymous and never explained even to the SDA what "group" she was from except for her name and e-mail address and would never answer anything we sent her.
The SDA rejected our dossier based only on the letter of some woman who was so blind she would not see that Lena had a future she had hope, she had people, many people, who cared very much for her. Karina had no hope and no future without us. We know now it takes very little substantal evidence to halt an adoption in Ukraine even with all the official letters we sent.
We had to call Karina and tell her we would not be coming, but with God all things are possible and we were not giving up. She was so sick she could barely speak with us. They had no heat in her room and she was cold. Can you imagine our panic and the helplessness that we felt. We wrote Carolyn Jackson another letter and begged her to reconsider we told her Karina was sick and she was going to spend Christmas without family, in fact she would be spending all her future Christmases without a family but she never acknowleged us.
We prayed, we prayed and we prayed some more. We had everyone we knew praying and so many times I wanted to get on the blog and ask you all to pray, but we could not do or say a thing that might give CJ any more information.
Our facilitator was working every angle she could. Finally she wrote and said, You must pray because they will not take your dossier now. We must wait until February and they may revisit this after it has had time to cool. We once again cried out to God, because if the dossier had to wait until February and she turned 16 in March we might not even get an appointment until after her 16th birthday. We couldn't fly over and make a petition because they had refused our paperwork.
We knew we had to turn it over to God, and we did but I was a mess I would start crying every time I would talk to Sveta because it looked so hopeless. We were fighting an army of the unseen enemy.
I must stop here even writing this has taken me back and I am exhausted. This story will be continued...
We had adopted Lena the year before, and we were in the middle of working through a lot of emotional turmoil, we asked ourselves, can we bring Karina here now during this time? We prayed about it and felt strongly that God was guiding us to bring her even in the midst of it. We were never worried about how many children, after all we had as many as 8 home at once and it was a mix of fun and chaos that comes with a big family. We had an extra bedroom for Karina and we thought having 4 girls would be wonderful. Mark and I were very optimistic that we could reach Lena eventually. At this point we weren't even for sure Karina would not change her mind again about being adopted; we had to see and talk to her first. We decided we should have her come because this was her last chance as soon she would turn 16.
When we told Karina she could come visit we were very hopeful with Lena, but she continued over the months of waiting for Karina's visit, to escalate. In answer to the question did Lena escalate because she knew Karina was coming? No, she was actually excited about having another teen girl here especially someone whom she considered not part of the sibling group. Lena was very much into isolating out groups within the family and creating division, sadly she looked to Karina to be a possible ally. There were the usual daily missles, meltdowns and silent rejection, and a few weeks before Karina's visit the situation had gotten to a breaking point. Even something as simple as a trip to the store would frequently turn into a war. My usually calm nerves were frayed to the edges, and the older kids were worried about my well being. Julia was refusing to come out of her room at different points.
We started praying about two things. Should we still bring Karina with this going on, and should we seriously consider the possibility of trying to find some relief by getting a family for Lena that would give everyone, but especially her, some peace. She needed a place where she could grow and mature and this was definitely not happening at our home. We decided we needed to deal with each girl separately, Karina should not be left at the orphanage if she wanted a family and we had already promised her this visit. She had so many disappointments in her life we couldn't give her another one.
We were hopeful that the dynamics might change to the better with Karina's arrival. As I said we are optimists. I can't state strongly enough that Karina had nothing to do with our decisions on Lena. Our home and hearts were always big enough for a multitude of children. If they tried to destroy themselves we would stand by them, whatever they threw at us we could handle it, but the destruction of each other and the resulting emotional mess to the family was another matter.
Karina came for the summer and we knew she was ours. I would like to tell you while Karina was here things improved with Lena, but that wasn't the case. Karina stayed neutral from the continued turmoil, but she did not care for how Lena treated others. However, she was still torn trying to decide if she wanted to leave her grandmother.
We had put out a distress signal to friends about seeking a different situation for Lena. A family came forward to help and she was more than happy to make the change. In fact when we took her there she happily waved us away and bounced off to a waiting peer group without a backwards glance at me. I was heartbroken, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was the right thing for everyone. In retrospect that was the hardest time period in our entire marriage. I just thought it was forever, and now I realize that when you bring an almost grown child into your home there are so many variables.
People have asked us, if she were your biological child would you do the same? We answered, if our biological child were doing this at almost 17 and we saw no remorse and no willingness to change, then yes, we would do all we could, and if it continued they would be asked to find other accommodations until they figured it out. Call it tough love or whatever you will, but the other kids deserve the kind of peaceful and harmonious childhood we have offered all of them and that they have all grown up in. Don't get me wrong they have dealt with adversity in the family and with each other and they know what it means to help hurting children and to stand by them. They know what it means to forgive and work through issues, but at some point you have to know when it's time to draw a line.
We ended the summer in tranquility and Karina returned to Ukraine. We called her and she decided that, yes, definitely she wanted us to come for her. Our dossier was in process. We were concerned about having Lena in respite at this time and trying to adopt Karina, but several people assured us they didn't think that would be a problem. Our home study had been done back in late Spring and was still good so we just let it stand since at this point nothing permanent had yet taken place for Lena.
All our paperwork was submitted and in place and we were waiting for a submitting date which we prayed would be sometime in October as the SDA was not giving any more appointments after December and wouldn't open back up until February to accept dossiers and Karina was turning 16 on March 14th. We were essentially in a race against time.
I came home from work and my husband was white as a sheet he said, I just got off the phone with Sveta and she said someone named Carolyn Jackson claiming she was from a special needs group has written her, the SDA, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the prosecutor and several other offices and said we were trying to adopt another child and we had gotten rid of Lena because she was a special needs child and we wanted only perfect children and we were not stable enough to adopt another child. She stated that she cares about special needs children and that is why she was writing the letter. We were shocked and devastated and we thought who and why would someone do this? First off I am a special education teacher and I worked with children with Downs and adore them, and later with children with emotional handicaps. The reason I became a special education teacher was because I had a special needs brother. Two of our sons have dyslexia and Zhenya had serious emotional problems that Mark and I have worked through with him. This was just a mean slanderous lie and obviously came from someone who did not know us very well, if at all.
These letters and this lie halted our adoption. We wrote letters, we had our social worker review our case and he spoke extensively with family, friends, and Lena herself stating that all was well and everyone was happy with the change and that we were indeed a very stable family. Our adopted kids wrote letters that would slay your hearts telling the SDA that we were wonderful parents and that they needed to allow us to adopt Karina. Alesa wrote this to the SDA, "None of you know what it is like to be an orphan alone and without a family or a future. Our parents have given us so much please do not deny this for Karina." Letters from all of us and Lena were sent to Carolyn Jackson begging her to retract her statements to Ukraine. Lena was incensed that someone said she was "special needs". She wrote quite a strong letter to Ms. Jackson. Lena also stated that we should be allowed to adopt that we were a good family just not what she needed. We told her we had hosted children in our home and found many families for them. We had our town and church writing articles about orphans and had found families for them. We came back from our adoptions and found families for kids left behind. We explained this wasn't just affecting Karina, that we would not be allowed to do any of this anymore. She remained anonymous and never explained even to the SDA what "group" she was from except for her name and e-mail address and would never answer anything we sent her.
The SDA rejected our dossier based only on the letter of some woman who was so blind she would not see that Lena had a future she had hope, she had people, many people, who cared very much for her. Karina had no hope and no future without us. We know now it takes very little substantal evidence to halt an adoption in Ukraine even with all the official letters we sent.
We had to call Karina and tell her we would not be coming, but with God all things are possible and we were not giving up. She was so sick she could barely speak with us. They had no heat in her room and she was cold. Can you imagine our panic and the helplessness that we felt. We wrote Carolyn Jackson another letter and begged her to reconsider we told her Karina was sick and she was going to spend Christmas without family, in fact she would be spending all her future Christmases without a family but she never acknowleged us.
We prayed, we prayed and we prayed some more. We had everyone we knew praying and so many times I wanted to get on the blog and ask you all to pray, but we could not do or say a thing that might give CJ any more information.
Our facilitator was working every angle she could. Finally she wrote and said, You must pray because they will not take your dossier now. We must wait until February and they may revisit this after it has had time to cool. We once again cried out to God, because if the dossier had to wait until February and she turned 16 in March we might not even get an appointment until after her 16th birthday. We couldn't fly over and make a petition because they had refused our paperwork.
We knew we had to turn it over to God, and we did but I was a mess I would start crying every time I would talk to Sveta because it looked so hopeless. We were fighting an army of the unseen enemy.
I must stop here even writing this has taken me back and I am exhausted. This story will be continued...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Rest of the Story...
I don't know who I am writing for now. I may be the only person who will be reading this, but I need to have an ending, a closure if you will.
It has been almost a year, and in a year many things can change. Our lives are always in perpetual motion, we are either swimming with the tide or against it, we can only tread water for a limited period before we must begin the journey again. In the past year or so we have been in all the cycles.
At the end of this post there will be some of you who will judge, but that is OK because we have been through the storms, tossed and drowning thinking we could not get enough air to survive, finally dragging ourselves to the sand where we were revived and able to breathe again. You do not have to agree with our decisions of the past year, but because we are at peace now in tranquil waters I can finish what I started here.
I believe that most of you were very aware of our struggles with Lena after we returned home. I tried to be honest while still staying positive, sometimes a shaky line to balance on. We tried praying, talking, counseling and waiting it out to no avail. There are not the words to convey on this page the pain that our family has gone through. I ask you to be considerate in your judgements until you have walked in another's shoes. We never adopted our children with any other intention than to love them and give them hope. Our biological children have learned what it means to love and accept others that did not come to us in the same way they did. I find there are many people out there who have all the answers and who would never do things the way we have done them. They may have 15 children and they manage to make it work and would never consider our choice no matter what, but they are not us and we had to do what we thought best for our family. Unless you walked our path with us you will not understand so try to be gentle in your thoughts and words
It does no one any good to go into all the lurid details of a failing relationship that literally became so debilitating to several family members that some of the innocent players might never have been able to recover from it if serious interventions had not taken place.
Can I start by saying I never thought we would find ourselves in such an emotional mess or that we like so many people thought that we could manage any situation especially since we felt we had seriously prayed over each child we brought to our family. If it had been only Mark and I we could handle anything thrown at us, but when the dismantling of one of our other precious children began we could not stand by and allow it to continue. The final straw was when our college age kids came home from school and said," do you all see what is happening here one of our sweetest and sunniest siblings has become a basket case of fear and nerves." They begged us to look at other options.
Sometimes the unthinkable occurs and then two parents are forced to consider the well being of the entire family. They have to make the difficult decision to let one child find their peace in a different family to preserve the emotional stability of the whole.
It wasn't easy and it was more painful than the words on this page can ever reveal, but it was the right thing to do for all involved. God gave us a peace that could only come from him.
Lena herself said she needed a change, because as much as she cared for Mark and I was as intensely as she disliked other members and she stated that nothing we did or said would ever change that fact. The dynamics couldn't have been worse for all involved. It took courage for all of us to recognize how destructive the situation had become and even more courage on everyone's part, especially Lena's, to decide to do something to change it.
We had exhausted all our efforts and we were drained and making no progress. Since Lena was almost 17 we knew there was little time for growth. We knew our family dynamics would never give her the opportunity at her late age that she needed to succeed. We just could not stop the emotional hemorrhaging that was happening all around us. She couldn't accept our lifeline and we had to give someone else the chance to do what we could not.
With agreement from Lena she went to a fabulous respite family in a town where she had other friends from her orphanage that had been adopted. She came to know our Lord and was baptized. Eventually she was adopted by a family with no other children where she could thrive and be the entire focus. Let me correct a misconception here that several people had about Lena, she was not a special needs child we were told about Lena by a family who had been to her orphanage. Her story was posted on Reeces Rainbow because she was an older child who was getting ready to age out quickly and desperately needed a home. We had our dossier and felt God calling us to her. She had learning gaps and emotional holes but that is the case with most orphans. Lena was quite savvy about what she wanted and thought was best for her. We actually had someone write and tell us we were re-homing her because she was special needs and we wanted a perfect child and she didn't fit the bill. We were devastated by that slanderous lie and the rest of that story will be forthcoming. We are not perfect parents and if we wanted only perfect children we would be re-homing all of ours. Thank you Lord Jesus that that you love the imperfect in spite of their flaws and that includes me and everyone one who reads this post. This is why he sent a savior to take save us from ourselves.
Was this always God's plan or did he just take human failings and straighten it out like he does in so many things that we manage to mess up? He knew the end results even if he it wasn't his original plan. We believe that we were the bridge to bring Lena here, we were not her end destination. No one adopts a child thinking they will re-home them, but sometimes life doesn't always go as we plan. Lena was almost a grown woman and even though we wanted to erase the hurt of her past that is not always possible unless there is serious changes made. God can and does take away pain and memories that haunt us. He is the great healer. He can make the flowers bloom again and he has and they are beautiful!
I know you are wondering what happened with Karina and that is a post I shall have to save for another day for it is also a long story. Before that story is written I want you to know that these two girls stories intersect for a short time, but one had nothing to do with the other or our decisions. I will post Karina's story soon.
It has been almost a year, and in a year many things can change. Our lives are always in perpetual motion, we are either swimming with the tide or against it, we can only tread water for a limited period before we must begin the journey again. In the past year or so we have been in all the cycles.
At the end of this post there will be some of you who will judge, but that is OK because we have been through the storms, tossed and drowning thinking we could not get enough air to survive, finally dragging ourselves to the sand where we were revived and able to breathe again. You do not have to agree with our decisions of the past year, but because we are at peace now in tranquil waters I can finish what I started here.
I believe that most of you were very aware of our struggles with Lena after we returned home. I tried to be honest while still staying positive, sometimes a shaky line to balance on. We tried praying, talking, counseling and waiting it out to no avail. There are not the words to convey on this page the pain that our family has gone through. I ask you to be considerate in your judgements until you have walked in another's shoes. We never adopted our children with any other intention than to love them and give them hope. Our biological children have learned what it means to love and accept others that did not come to us in the same way they did. I find there are many people out there who have all the answers and who would never do things the way we have done them. They may have 15 children and they manage to make it work and would never consider our choice no matter what, but they are not us and we had to do what we thought best for our family. Unless you walked our path with us you will not understand so try to be gentle in your thoughts and words
It does no one any good to go into all the lurid details of a failing relationship that literally became so debilitating to several family members that some of the innocent players might never have been able to recover from it if serious interventions had not taken place.
Can I start by saying I never thought we would find ourselves in such an emotional mess or that we like so many people thought that we could manage any situation especially since we felt we had seriously prayed over each child we brought to our family. If it had been only Mark and I we could handle anything thrown at us, but when the dismantling of one of our other precious children began we could not stand by and allow it to continue. The final straw was when our college age kids came home from school and said," do you all see what is happening here one of our sweetest and sunniest siblings has become a basket case of fear and nerves." They begged us to look at other options.
Sometimes the unthinkable occurs and then two parents are forced to consider the well being of the entire family. They have to make the difficult decision to let one child find their peace in a different family to preserve the emotional stability of the whole.
It wasn't easy and it was more painful than the words on this page can ever reveal, but it was the right thing to do for all involved. God gave us a peace that could only come from him.
Lena herself said she needed a change, because as much as she cared for Mark and I was as intensely as she disliked other members and she stated that nothing we did or said would ever change that fact. The dynamics couldn't have been worse for all involved. It took courage for all of us to recognize how destructive the situation had become and even more courage on everyone's part, especially Lena's, to decide to do something to change it.
We had exhausted all our efforts and we were drained and making no progress. Since Lena was almost 17 we knew there was little time for growth. We knew our family dynamics would never give her the opportunity at her late age that she needed to succeed. We just could not stop the emotional hemorrhaging that was happening all around us. She couldn't accept our lifeline and we had to give someone else the chance to do what we could not.
With agreement from Lena she went to a fabulous respite family in a town where she had other friends from her orphanage that had been adopted. She came to know our Lord and was baptized. Eventually she was adopted by a family with no other children where she could thrive and be the entire focus. Let me correct a misconception here that several people had about Lena, she was not a special needs child we were told about Lena by a family who had been to her orphanage. Her story was posted on Reeces Rainbow because she was an older child who was getting ready to age out quickly and desperately needed a home. We had our dossier and felt God calling us to her. She had learning gaps and emotional holes but that is the case with most orphans. Lena was quite savvy about what she wanted and thought was best for her. We actually had someone write and tell us we were re-homing her because she was special needs and we wanted a perfect child and she didn't fit the bill. We were devastated by that slanderous lie and the rest of that story will be forthcoming. We are not perfect parents and if we wanted only perfect children we would be re-homing all of ours. Thank you Lord Jesus that that you love the imperfect in spite of their flaws and that includes me and everyone one who reads this post. This is why he sent a savior to take save us from ourselves.
Was this always God's plan or did he just take human failings and straighten it out like he does in so many things that we manage to mess up? He knew the end results even if he it wasn't his original plan. We believe that we were the bridge to bring Lena here, we were not her end destination. No one adopts a child thinking they will re-home them, but sometimes life doesn't always go as we plan. Lena was almost a grown woman and even though we wanted to erase the hurt of her past that is not always possible unless there is serious changes made. God can and does take away pain and memories that haunt us. He is the great healer. He can make the flowers bloom again and he has and they are beautiful!
I know you are wondering what happened with Karina and that is a post I shall have to save for another day for it is also a long story. Before that story is written I want you to know that these two girls stories intersect for a short time, but one had nothing to do with the other or our decisions. I will post Karina's story soon.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Almost got to talk to Karina
We called her yesterday morning and Alesa talked to her first. Before Mark and I could talk to her the line went dead and we couldn't get back through. This sometimes happens in overseas calls ugh! We will try and call tomorrow. Mark had given her money before she went back so she went and bought a cell phone (they are really cheap over there a pay as you go kind) so that she could talk with us.
I don't know how long she will be able to keep it before it is stolen or someone older and stronger takes it away. Because she is now one of the older girls I am hoping no one will take it from her.
I am posting a picture of her with her puzzle she was so pleased. Also, we were in this store and Katrina came up with this little angel, a funny looking little angel but hey who cares :) and she said, "mom open" so I opened her closed fist, and she had bought me this and had the biggest smile on her face. It really bothered Julia that this little angel didn't have a mouth but with Julia this naturally would be a horrible appalling situation because that child loves to talk.
It really is the little things in life that make it wonderful. I came home from work very tired the other day and Brett gave me the best back and shoulder rub. Alesa cleaned the kitchen all up and I just relaxed. I knew I had kids for a reason... (just kidding sort of)
Thank you for Lord for children especially when they have a servants heart for mom after a long day at work!
I don't know how long she will be able to keep it before it is stolen or someone older and stronger takes it away. Because she is now one of the older girls I am hoping no one will take it from her.
I am posting a picture of her with her puzzle she was so pleased. Also, we were in this store and Katrina came up with this little angel, a funny looking little angel but hey who cares :) and she said, "mom open" so I opened her closed fist, and she had bought me this and had the biggest smile on her face. It really bothered Julia that this little angel didn't have a mouth but with Julia this naturally would be a horrible appalling situation because that child loves to talk.
It really is the little things in life that make it wonderful. I came home from work very tired the other day and Brett gave me the best back and shoulder rub. Alesa cleaned the kitchen all up and I just relaxed. I knew I had kids for a reason... (just kidding sort of)
Thank you for Lord for children especially when they have a servants heart for mom after a long day at work!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Boomerangs
We adore our children and having them home is so wonderful but we have decided that we have bred little boomerangs. They always return home and usually pretty quick. Our house has a revolving door that never stops moving. We love it and we have happily resigned ourselves to never being alone in the house ever again. Although I still long for a bathroom trip alone. At night for some reason just as we are getting ready to go to bed they love to gather in our room. We have them stretched on the floor, the couch and fighting for bed space. Sometimes Mark and I are sandwiched between three big ole kids on our bed.
This weekend Zhenya came home with a laundry list of things he forgot, his speakers, his guitar, and he needed a new printer for his computer. Brett's adorable girlfriend Kelsey came to visit with her dog so we had four dogs in our backyard. I am sure our neighbors just look at us and shake their heads."George those nuts next door have added another dog to that circus over there."
I snapped a couple of pictures of Brett and Kelsey coming in from the lake. I told them I would be putting them on my blog. I have to get their permission to post about them since they all read my blog. I had asked Zhenya to talk about his story and he was fine with it, especially if it could help someone else avoid his trauma.
Karina got a message and a phone number to us so we are going to call her today. Usually we do fine without speaking Russian but it is hard when we are on the phone because there is so much we want to say, and I feel helpless when I can't touch and hug. I will put a picture up of Karina and her puzzle later. She loved it and we can't wait to hang it in her room if she comes. Of course a big thank you to the Goulds, Nuccios and the Haggs for being part of it. You all have been so diligent following us all this time.
Today is labor day. I will leave you with this verse:
Psalm 128: 1-2
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways.
You will eat the fruit of your labor:
blessing and propertity will be yours...
This verse doesn't promise us we will be materially rich but you will prosper spiritually when you labor with the Lord. It is a privilege to labor for you Lord and I can't wait to see the jobs you have for me in heaven. I just hope it has something to do with children.
This weekend Zhenya came home with a laundry list of things he forgot, his speakers, his guitar, and he needed a new printer for his computer. Brett's adorable girlfriend Kelsey came to visit with her dog so we had four dogs in our backyard. I am sure our neighbors just look at us and shake their heads."George those nuts next door have added another dog to that circus over there."
I snapped a couple of pictures of Brett and Kelsey coming in from the lake. I told them I would be putting them on my blog. I have to get their permission to post about them since they all read my blog. I had asked Zhenya to talk about his story and he was fine with it, especially if it could help someone else avoid his trauma.
Karina got a message and a phone number to us so we are going to call her today. Usually we do fine without speaking Russian but it is hard when we are on the phone because there is so much we want to say, and I feel helpless when I can't touch and hug. I will put a picture up of Karina and her puzzle later. She loved it and we can't wait to hang it in her room if she comes. Of course a big thank you to the Goulds, Nuccios and the Haggs for being part of it. You all have been so diligent following us all this time.
Today is labor day. I will leave you with this verse:
Psalm 128: 1-2
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways.
You will eat the fruit of your labor:
blessing and propertity will be yours...
This verse doesn't promise us we will be materially rich but you will prosper spiritually when you labor with the Lord. It is a privilege to labor for you Lord and I can't wait to see the jobs you have for me in heaven. I just hope it has something to do with children.
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